I began when my stepfather gave me a KENT cigarette. I was hooked and 13 yrs old. Those that spurned me now became my smoking buddies. It made being a societal cast off bearable. As long as we could provide each other with cigarettes friends forever. I could look at those who still took enjoyment in tormenting me in the eye and watched as the fun was lost.
Yes my Mother and Stepfather were both smokers so the undeniable odor blended in with the house. It was 1960 and the Drs at Shriners wanted one more try on my feet before I reached their cutoff age.
This allowed for my family to move and the birth of my little brother as well. How well God scripted this, a summer is lost but the anticipation of new begining is for me a gift from God. It was 1961 and smoking was how I blended in with the neighborhood. All of us teens smoked except for one and he is my brother. If I only could have been as strong.
Where did all the money come from we were not rich but cigarettes also had begun to climb in price. Another unspoken fact was how smoking and gas stations blended together. The price of gas was 38 cents a gallon and a pack of smokes was 35 cents a pack. A quarter and two nickles. Dimes were to light and kept getting lodged in the machine. We learned you had to push hard on dimes to make it work.
We walked down the street as if knowing our place was carved in stone. You held the cigarette in your fingers or cupped in our palm to hide from others. To hide the smoke we just kept our hand moving and it dispersed the smoke.
Back to the price, it has changed again as well as the price of gas 43 cents a gal and smokes 50 cents a pack. My stepfather bless his knowing soul always left enough change in his coat pocket to purchase a pack every day.
I was know smoking more than one pack a day and suddenly I quit. Wrestling became a sport my Dr's allowed me to do. I am jumping ahead to 1970 I joined the wrestling team and made my body strong for someone so weak. I week after week lost my matches but empowered the at least I tried mood to make me feel worthy. In that year I won one match and they allowed me to be in the yearbook as first string. What an honor for a kid who had suffered so much physically. For that year I was in the front page sports in our local paper numerous times yet no one knew my struggle with my disability.
I was the first to recognise that the brand you smoked labled you. The most common question that I have heard is "YA GOT A SMOKE?". I used it as well and if I had a nickle for every cigarette I gave I would be a rich man. I changed brands and no one wanted what I smoked and for the time I was a rebel. 1971 was the year I graduated from high school and for the next 10 years I attempted to blend in. The only thing visable was my limp I thought. My discontent with myself also was present and my smoking was worse. How can one man have 30 jobs in ten years but this post is about smoking.
I watched and smoked as cigarettes and gas reached a buck a gal as well as a buck a pack.
I decided after a few attempts to end my life that what would give me a sense off fullfillment. Family would give me purpose and as I smoked my wife smoked. My daughter was to be attached to a monitor that would go off if she stopped breathing. Smoking is good and FUCK the rest. May God forgive me for my arrogance.
1984 and Christmas is good, we are not rich but a carton for her and a carton for me was a good Christmas.
1987 and it was to end my patience was no longer able to be held in check. The walks to cool off were not working and I was tired of being unhappy in a home I paid for. As long as I smoked I could avoid the truth, it was not going to work. The anger in me welled up to a frenzy and before I did something stupid I did something stupid. I moved out and disconnected myself from the responsibility.
Smoking allowed me to be doing something while I was not doing anything.
What I did to smoke is embarresing. I stole, schemed, and smoked. My own SSS. This behavior is unacceptable and not how I wish to be remembered. Only as I look at life now another 10 years later companionship was always a benifit to smoking. As I stand on the side of a homeless mission and share my smokes yet never being able find one when I ask. Lonely yes stupid no, it has become time to quit. My Mother knowing of my desire to quit bought magic patches. You put it on and the desire for smoking is gone. Good now all I have to remove is the action of smoking. That "hand to mouth" that for many years was as a pacifier. For 10 months I was a non-smoker, no ex-smoker. My nemisis was not having support. When I was faced with boredom while being entertained my first thought was I need a smoke. Now again I have people who want to talk and smoke or is it smoke and talk. To be still and not smoke was what I could not master.
Again we must look at the smokes and gas controversy. It was taxes that our government had created. Tax on gas was to go for highway as tax on cigarettes was for whatever. Both taxes filled the coffers of government and helped in reducing our large debt. WHOOPS thats a secret.
Lets think for a second or so, we have millions of cars using billon of gallons of gas that are being taxed. Cigarettes the same but the tax is 1/3rd the cost of cigarettes. (JUST A THOUGHT)
Now I have emphysema and at 53 modern medicine is now able to control the effects. If you want a taste of emphysema "HOLD YOUR BREATH AND PUT A PLASTIC BAG OVER YOUR HEAD. WHEN YOU GO TO BREATH YOU MAKE THE MOTION ONLY NO AIR". There are medications that control but cure? thats still to proved. TS

My dad hut # whatever or maybe growing up around an ignorant class of kids who were to be the ones signing my paycheck.
I have one friend who is female and makes double what I make. Her husband died and social security pays a survivors benifit as long as she remains single. Now I am all for equality and so I asked around at a senior center and not one has ever heard of a man collecting survivors benifits. Now on the other side most of the women were recieving survivors benifits. Yes it is theirs and have earned it by raising the baby boomers. Now as the baby boomers begin to retire more homes have a two income lifestlye. Were we interested in raising the next generation or making money? Only time will tell as these bright well educated young ones begin to take charge. Is there confidence in how well it has been handled? TS

If there are any out there who were born in the U.S. Navel Base Oceanside California. Check your birth cert. and it will say what hut you were stationed in. Please get back with me at dw20052@charter.net Just a small request and names are not needed only your hut # TS

My earliest rememberance always has me walking to school, no thought of anyone or even if I got to school. My mind has vague images of life and things we did to pass time. A flower bush with small buds that we would break off and shoot like morters by turning our bikes over and spinning the wheel. When it got between tire and rim it became airborne. Those of us that remember Vic Morrow as the Capt'n who fought the evil third reich in the T.V. series combat understand. We had a spanish housekeeper, she kept us in line untill our mother arrived home. Our Mother, how best to describe her? We all knew she loved us we were her children and never would she forsake her duty as a parent. She was a deserted mother married to a Marine, I have no idea of the particulars only that I don't have a picture of him in my mind. The biggest question is why? I had a severe disability that would take a man to teach his son how to cope. I GOT IT! IF YOU WERE A MARINE STATIONED AT CAMP JOESPH H. PENDLETON. Living in hut 755B Homeja Housing then in 1952 hi Dad whats up. TS

In 1984 my daughter was born and shortly after then I dropped out of school. Nothing new plenty of students drop out and begin to work thus begining a trend. My trend was similar except for the fact that I was 29. I took full time work in a related field and began to work through the muck and mire of life. My daughter was diagnosed with S.I.D.S. and as I went to work everynight the thought is she going to live would eat at my soul. I mentioned this once to my wife and she called me selfish, that began another argument. Yes my wife was a wonder as in I wonder why I married her? She was pregnant and it was my responsibility. I figured that once we got settled she would be more than just a mother. Yes that is an important responsibility only not the only one facing a wife. I have heard the term multi task so was it only my responsibility to make our family work. After my failure I was unemployed, without my family or any support period. I finally got work in Lauglin Nv. and for over 10 years I worked in a game called KENO. Now with my physical problems this was the last thing I should have done. After working my way through most of the Casinos I left for Ca.
It took some doing and I decided to go North and cut across in Reno. Now in Reno cut through to Lake Tahoe and then to Sacramento. Then on to the S.F. Bay area. I spent some time and then headed back for "VEGAS"
Yes back in the recess of my mind was my student loan and by the time I got back on my feet it was one stroke later and I no longer am employable. Student loan? I was a student, sounds kinda familiar only wasn't that last weeks ER? I moved from Las Vegas to San Francisco and for three years settled into a room in the Tenderloin dist. I did some delivery work that paid for minor conviances as cable a phone.
I finally decided to take a friend up on his offer to have a home for his girlfriend was pregnant and they could use some help. Yes I felt well enough and it felt time.
I forgot what year only after moving here and helping them through the birth of their child, his drinking and the child just was to much. I could not find work and I needed an inviornment that would help me to grow. There was a very famous homeless mission here in Reno and one morning packed my bags and left for it. Because I had a income they would allow one 5 free nights only after that it was five dollars for the first five nights then 10 a night from there on. This was March of 1996 and by the summer of 98 I was gone. One night I asked to be free of all their B.S. and able to move somewhere I can just be happy. No my decision was to go and find my daughter. I left for Sacramento and hoped to figure out what I needed to do this.
More tommorrow and I will fill the being pissed again part. TS

Hey I's me again and I just spent time adding to this and Im guess God said you can do better cause it just dissapeared. Makes me think about time and how it gets taken without a thought.
As I settled in to the routine of Sacramento's homeless I held firm that all I needed was God and time to find my daughter. I would spend money I did not have and it delayed my journey another month. I began thinking Amtrack but Greyhound was the fastest. It took me through Laughlin where I worked and the temtation was great but I stay true to my task and the next day I was in the birthplace of my daughter. Now you are thinking whats next? YES I did not get my bag at the bus, no longer do they unload at the station. You must get it at the bus or it is taken to the next stop. I was told to wait and the return bus would have it by 2pm. I think it was 11am so I asked a cab driver to take where I can be entertained, yes I call it educated. It was one of those places women give table dances. NOW IM JUST A DUM HICK AN ALL THESE PERTY GIRLS. $80 later and my head had enough blood return to my head. Now $80 is not a large sum but wait I started with $400.00. Well I'm tired and got my luggage and went to the cheap side of town. Rooms $25 a night, the next 29.99 so went back to the other one and paid for 5 nights. I hoped to have information at least.
My first day was spent getting proof of being her birth parent. A copy of marriage and birth should prove something. Then I went to Social Security and after being told to write a letter and they would forward it to her. This sounds promising so off I went, I bought paper, pen, envelope and stamps. The next day I returned and was told they could not do this, there is no record of were she lives. (how about putting in a file and when she reports in 50 yrs you can give it to her!) The lady did give me her SSN and I was consoled enough to just leave. Why is there not more requiered to register a live birth?
Yes I can prove I am her parent only I let to much time pass and my concern over her being pulled in two directions proved to be my downfall. Being pretty much broke I made it a point to survive.
Phoenix has many organizations and churchs that help those in need. Many of them are of Mexican descent and are good people. Just a little tidbit I learned and wanted to share.
What I found hard to understand was others apathy to my situation. I went to the library and scoured the High school year books. I even asked if she had been arrested. Well no but I had for domestic dispute. I would never get her location. This is a realization that just occured. Yes my wife is not dumb she worked on my anger for 4 yrs untill I just gave in. I wonder if she will ever thank me for providing her a child.
Now I said to her if she ever took our daughter away to not come looking for support.
That was years ago when the news was filled with reports of husbands and fathers being abusive. All I asked was to have a letter forwarded and I was refuse. Now why would a dumb, white, disabled man want to know of his child? WHY NOT TS